happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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