Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You're like the curious george of whores
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
