is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
