Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
