people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
