Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
