advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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