If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
