The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
