If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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