I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
