Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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