update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
