When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
