dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
