I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
