So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
