I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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