I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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