i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
