I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
