i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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