At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
