Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
