Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
