So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Enjoy the penises
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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