Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
