It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
