saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
