I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize