it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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