Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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