peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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