whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
