some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
