If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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