You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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