flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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