im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
