I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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