his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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