so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
