I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
