if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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