before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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