Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
