He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
