I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
