...so i touched it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
