Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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