Where is the hickey?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
