I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
