the condom got lost in my hair
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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