Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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