tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
