Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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