He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
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