My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
