HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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