This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
