the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
