I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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