I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
