Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize